For some reason I feel like writing in english and I'm counting on you my dear fellow finns to understand every word without a translation, and I'm sure you will.
So here comes my honesty burst. I did in fact visit cold and snowy Finland, and came back to Alicante today, a few hours ago. Why?
As some of you know, my dear old grandmother, my mother's mother, Mumi died in the beginning of the year. Before I had always thought that a visit home during the exchange year was out of the question. Under the new circumstances I had to put my mind through some rough decisions.
I had trouble fully understanding the whole situation. I only had my mother's words, nothing else, of what had happened. Not that I in any way doubt her, but being abroad, with no one who even has a clue who this person was, it is hard to realize the death itself. I'd cry when talking to my mother about it, but other than that I was, so to say, fine. I tried thinking about her more, but all I could imagine was a grey old small woman, sitting on a tiny finnish wooden chair smiling and talking funny. There was nothing to cry about in that image.
I knew I had to get some closure, and really have it hit me. I decided to go to the funeral. After a lot of work and settlements, the insurance company of Explorius (my sending agency) agreed to pay for the flights, luckily. I kept it a secret. For anyone else except my family members, I was not even in the country.
My mind was set about that, for I had never planned to visit "my life" in the middle of this all anyway, why should I do that now? All though a lot had changed I wanted to have at least some of my original plans work out.
Then one night it hit me. I was reeding a book a good friend of mine sent me. The character in it was working in a retirement home and during her first weeks as she noticed new things, they were described with every detail. The one detail, that I could not handle, and understood too well, was when an old, 90-year-old demented woman had light green blanket over her bed. I bursted into tears remembering vividly how last summer, before I left, my mother and I had given a light blue (one of Mumi's favorite colors) daily blanket to her as gift to her to her room in the care home. I cried for a solid two and a half hours, in the end, not even being able to do it in any way quietly. No one here reacted. No worried, no question, most definitely no hugs, tissues or anything showing that these people care even the tiniest bit. Finally, as the crying would not stop, or even settle down, I had to call home, to mom. It took probably a half hour before I could even get a real sentence out of my mouth. After a long call, we had to call it a night. After a couple more hours of crying I too was able to sleep.
I was there for the funeral, for Mumi, and for my family. In those brief moments that I spent there, none was supposedly for fun. I didn't want to have to miss anyone or anything even more than I am now.
I deeply hope no one takes this the wrong way, personally. I had to do what I had to do, and it luckily in this situation had nothing to do with any of my lovely friends. And do believe me, a fun 5-day vacation, would have been too much to handle now that I am back. And as stupid and weird it might sound (knowing that I miss you all so so much) I still, in a way, want to know the feeling coming back, after really being away from that life so long, even though it is so very hard.
Things have not gone the way I planned, or imagined them for my year abroad, now I just have to adjust to every bump on the way and walk myself through all of them, hopefully one at a time.
Despite all, I am glad to be back in my current life.
